abracadabra

he was a wizard the books wrote about

a conjuror on whose word, wars were fought

for with the wicked waddle of a frivolous finger

he could get faint perfume to forever linger

aye he could make ruins resplendent again

and rid the shattered and stricken of their pain

aye with a casual incantation he could get

a ghastly greedy Shylock to shrug off a debt

and with just a sorcerer’s stern sizzling stare

he could goad bald heads into sprouting hair

he needed no conman’s cryptic crystal ball

to make midgets see themselves as vainly tall

aye, he could make gooey pimples disappear

from both a pretty face and an ugly rear

and with a single swish of satiny cloth

he could turn an eagle into a harmless moth

he could put an omlette back into its egg

and get a centipede to dance on one leg

aye, he could turn a rank idiot into a sage

and scribe out a man’s destiny on a page

why, with even a half-uttered half-meant spell

he could shift protesting gods from heaven to hell

but the greatest trick the necromancer ever played

was on a lass who was both smitten and swayed

for the maverick magus had a magical hard on

she touched it lightly – and poof, it was gone.

ram cobain

(Pic courtesy Google)

the yum scrotum

the man broke his testicle and ate

an omelette that tasted gooey great

but woe that he had to step out and beg

as he next felt like having a fried egg

but luckily his despair into delight grew

when he saw he didn’t have one ball but two.

ram cobain

selling out is crap

there are no courses on being an arse

none on earth, and aye none on mars

and so this must be a serious self-study

without nary needing a ballsy bum buddy

try alone to find your second rectum

befriend it, make it your bestest chum

never sell out, gladly be a piece of poop

who craps integrity forever on loop

and through all the spewing of shit

you’ll find eureka; scream “this is it!”

“this is why I was the best of sperm

the squiggliest of all squiggly worms

this is my one true triumphant goal

this fetid flowering of my heroic hole!”

and while life might insist that you lump

stay focused on your dastardly dump

and while the world may not understand

we know that with a bidet spray in hand

we may not always part seas like Moses

or that life may not always smell of roses

but honour and joy can be found through turd

by the big breath hold of our constipated word.

ram cobain

unhappy ending

the pretty lass tumbled into a pit

groaned and murmured ‘this is it’

this here seems like a deep dark cave

hence I must be bright, I must be brave

and so in the gloom she started to grin

as she remembered the tale of Alladin

she found a lamp, rubbed, hummed a song

and soon something started to grow long

next her ears heard a coo of delight

as her hand got slathered in creamy white

and as she pondered this twist in the tale

she heard the polite baritone of a male

said the voice, why thank you, ma’am

this here is just my trusty old ham

maybe your torch went out before the sign

but you fell into a shallow coal mine

and if all you wanted was to get out

it’d have taken a cough, not even a shout.

ram cobain