unhappy ending

the pretty lass tumbled into a pit

groaned and murmured ‘this is it’

this here seems like a deep dark cave

hence I must be bright, I must be brave

and so in the gloom she started to grin

as she remembered the tale of Alladin

she found a lamp, rubbed, hummed a song

and soon something started to grow long

next her ears heard a coo of delight

as her hand got slathered in creamy white

and as she pondered this twist in the tale

she heard the polite baritone of a male

said the voice, why thank you, ma’am

this here is just my trusty old ham

maybe your torch went out before the sign

but you fell into a shallow coal mine

and if all you wanted was to get out

it’d have taken a cough, not even a shout.

ram cobain

handjob hank

from when he was in the incubator

Li’l Hank was a serial masturbator

hours in the crib were happily spent

turning his bed sheet into a tent

he’d welcome the nurses with a poke

and gurgle with glee like it were a joke

but think not that he was a lonely child

for his time alone was indeed quite wild

you could say he was a naughty elf

who just liked to keep to himself

And as the hallways echoed with his moan

Handjob Hank, he thus came to be known

and as he practiced week after week

he honed and handcrafted his technique

he started with a gentle spurt on the floor

then graduated to shoot it out of the door

next he learnt to come in acrobatic loops

and in single file like marching war troops

sometimes he’d bring out a long sperm snake

sometimes enough to fill a small lake

and even when his pecker-pistol fired a blank

it was just a matter of one more wank

and for half an hour’s worth of happy trouble

he could easily ejaculate a shiny jizz bubble

aye, like a wizard with two magic wands

there was real sorcery in his hands

then one day he jerked off so hard

that his semen coagulated into lard

“Eww, what could be worse?” should you utter

Handjob Hank used it – as cooking butter.

ram cobain

the weeper reaper

Death knocked on the geriatric’s door and said

By this time now you should have long been dead

By this time I’ve harvested a hundred thousand souls

A paltry few saints and countless assholes

I’ve worked through the week and also 24x7

Balanced the blighted books between hell and heaven

I’ve seen sure rains fail and blue skies cry

I’ve watched liars be honest and good men lie

I’ve seen terrorists be loud and governments be quiet

I’ve watched obese men binge and thin women diet

I’ve seen inflation go up and morality take a tumble

I’ve watched the poor be happy and rich men grumble

Aye I’ve seen dinosaurs born and seen them disappear

With nary one Neanderthal to shed them one tear

But your case laughs at my resume, a leery rictus grin

Like on a baby’s soft bottom, a roiling rusty pin

For now I’m at the end of my tether, and all that I ask

Is that I may please fulfill this long-promised task

You asked me for one last wish so many moons ago

But how was I to know…you piddle so slow?

ram cobain