selling out is crap

there are no courses on being an arse

none on earth, and aye none on mars

and so this must be a serious self-study

without nary needing a ballsy bum buddy

try alone to find your second rectum

befriend it, make it your bestest chum

never sell out, gladly be a piece of poop

who craps integrity forever on loop

and through all the spewing of shit

you’ll find eureka; scream “this is it!”

“this is why I was the best of sperm

the squiggliest of all squiggly worms

this is my one true triumphant goal

this fetid flowering of my heroic hole!”

and while life might insist that you lump

stay focused on your dastardly dump

and while the world may not understand

we know that with a bidet spray in hand

we may not always part seas like Moses

or that life may not always smell of roses

but honour and joy can be found through turd

by the big breath hold of our constipated word.

ram cobain

unhappy ending

the pretty lass tumbled into a pit

groaned and murmured ‘this is it’

this here seems like a deep dark cave

hence I must be bright, I must be brave

and so in the gloom she started to grin

as she remembered the tale of Alladin

she found a lamp, rubbed, hummed a song

and soon something started to grow long

next her ears heard a coo of delight

as her hand got slathered in creamy white

and as she pondered this twist in the tale

she heard the polite baritone of a male

said the voice, why thank you, ma’am

this here is just my trusty old ham

maybe your torch went out before the sign

but you fell into a shallow coal mine

and if all you wanted was to get out

it’d have taken a cough, not even a shout.

ram cobain

handjob hank

from when he was in the incubator

Li’l Hank was a serial masturbator

hours in the crib were happily spent

turning his bed sheet into a tent

he’d welcome the nurses with a poke

and gurgle with glee like it were a joke

but think not that he was a lonely child

for his time alone was indeed quite wild

you could say he was a naughty elf

who just liked to keep to himself

And as the hallways echoed with his moan

Handjob Hank, he thus came to be known

and as he practiced week after week

he honed and handcrafted his technique

he started with a gentle spurt on the floor

then graduated to shoot it out of the door

next he learnt to come in acrobatic loops

and in single file like marching war troops

sometimes he’d bring out a long sperm snake

sometimes enough to fill a small lake

and even when his pecker-pistol fired a blank

it was just a matter of one more wank

and for half an hour’s worth of happy trouble

he could easily ejaculate a shiny jizz bubble

aye, like a wizard with two magic wands

there was real sorcery in his hands

then one day he jerked off so hard

that his semen coagulated into lard

“Eww, what could be worse?” should you utter

Handjob Hank used it – as cooking butter.

ram cobain